Helen Bendrien is married to Trevor and has two children Emma and Mark. Helen plays bass and sings in Pennine Chimes, a Ladies Barbershop Choir.

My mum always took my three brothers and me to Sunday school when we were young and we all went through the Baden Powell programme which we did enjoy. It gave us an interest in life and the wider world. My dad worked hard to keep us and my mum did part-time work when we were older, toward the little extras. We had a reasonably happy life - no frills but no great lack either. Each of us had our moments when we were in bother for something- we all made at least one monumental blunder whilst still living at home much to the disappointment of our parents.

Sunday school had some moral value to us but as far as I know I was the only one who ended up with any faith. My heart and desire as a child and up through teen age was somehow to be able to be good, be the best I could be as a person, to be acceptable, to be of value. These goals turned out to be an illusive quest; always just beyond my reach.

I remember my confirmation interview with the curate - Mr Pilkington - a fresh face, ginger, nervous chap straight from college and the target of many a derogatory quip from the confirmation class. He spoke of repentance and sin and the tears flowed as I just wished I could get things right and really hoped God could change me and make me good. A few years later at a rally for young teens I remember the leader talking about repentance and sin and again the tears flowed as with all my heart I wanted to be different. He said Jesus would come into my heart and change me. That's what I wanted. I was desperate for Jesus to make a difference - it was all going to change - I would be somebody - for Jesus! But no one said "you've changed", I still got things wrong, I was still far short of the mark. I was just average in everything even after my best efforts and excelled in nothing. To me, in my teens, that amounted to failure as average is nothing to be proud of. My logic said - if there's no evidence of change, then there is no change. If there is no change then Jesus didn't come into my heart. If He didn't come in - it can't be His fault - He is God, righteous, just, loving - it must be my fault. My heart must be so bad He can't come in. I must be totally unacceptable. That attitude coloured most areas of my life but I didn't give up, except for a short while, and more importantly, Jesus never gave up on me. For that short period, I gave up on His people - they were hypocrites and didn't believe or live the word of God to my mind, and tried to give up on Him too. However, He kept turning up. He was sticky - every time I tried to put Him down or shake him off he stuck to the other hand or my sleeve. He wouldn't go away no matter how I tried to avoid Him. Again, I found I couldn't change. I couldn't ignore Him, I couldn't pretend He wasn't there. I tried not to talk to Him, I tried not to respond to Him but He was always there - in my head, my ear, my heart - His book. Change had occurred, I just wasn't aware of it until I tried to behave as though there hadn't been any and it had taken longer than a week, or a year. Instead of not being able to get to Him, I'd got to the stage of not being able to get away from Him. It had changed from me being on the outside trying to get in, to Him being on the inside working His way out bringing gradual change as I grew in Him and grew up. The kind of change Jesus brings only occasionally happens quickly, for most of us it takes a lifetime. We all go through questioning times, difficult times, rebellious times-Jesus never said it would be trouble free. He once asked me` if you don't go to heaven, if a lot of what you've been taught isn't true, if all your deeds and words account for nothing over all these years - what then - what is the bottom line with Me and you?' Peas and carrots, bangers and mash, when the hand and the glove can no longer be separated - He's part of me and I'm part of Him. I can't live any other way - good times or bad. Deprive me of Jesus you deprive me of air.

Life's a journey through all types of terrain; we can try navigating on our own or with a friend, but even the best mate can take a wrong turn, be selfish, get tired. Jesus knows the way, never gives up, always wants the best for us - depend on Him. His love for you will never fail.